The Autism Spectrum

From a young age I’ve had a heart for those with mental illnesses, impairments and differences. I’ve struggled with mental health the majority of my life and really rallied behind others who struggled. So when I first was told I might have mild autism at 25, my own ableism was exposed.  

I’ve been misdiagnosed over and over and been put on dozens of medications/dosages. I spent years in grade school struggling to stay alongside my peers academically. My physical, mental, and emotional health became apparent to me at the early age of seven. Around the same time, I befriended a boy with multiple diagnoses and special needs. From then on, my heart for those with differences became a big part of who I am today. I would go to his house about once a week and was exposed to the harsh reality of all he had to go through. His joy was contagious despite all he endured. It helped me see the fragility of life at such a young age. Unfortunately, he has since passed. But thank You Jesus for his precious life and all that it taught me and everyone who met him. Looking back, perhaps the Lord was preparing me for every trial I would endure in my adolescence and adulthood. God started softening my heart without me knowing. 

Ive felt alone and isolated because I thought I  was neurotypical. The autism spectrum has dramatically changed throughout the years and now includes a variety of individualistic traits. It’s no longer a one size fits all disorder. It’s a broad spectrum than impacts each person differently. 

It’s relieving to know all my health issues have a root cause. I’ve always felt misunderstood but then again so do most people so I stopped questioning my differences. Adult females with autism often get misdiagnosed and ultimately get put on the wrong medications leading to further difficulties. It’s a vicious cycle that I have gone through myself for the last twelve years. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety at the age of twelve. Depression is something I still battle on a daily basis. What I didn’t know was depression is a huge result of autism. The body is in constant fight or flight. Daily activities are harder for those on the spectrum. Most of my struggles that I’ve always had questions about have finally been answered. This is the first diagnosis that feels right. Is it possible I have been misdiagnosed again? Sure! There are plenty of people with autistic traits who don’t have autism. The thing to remember is that it’s a wide spectrum. Most importantly, everything I’ve learned so far has been beyond helpful. Truthfully, it’s been mind boggling I didn’t see it sooner.

While I wish I never had to go through misdiagnosis after misdiagnosis, I’m utterly grateful for it. I’ve learned so much about different mental disorders and illnesses. Some I learned because of my counseling degree but I love studying the human brain and making sense of people (especially myself). When I would get a diagnosis, I would devote time to learning. Without each diagnosis, I wouldn’t have taken it upon myself to learn. It’s made me incredibly empathetic and knowledgeable to all kinds of people. I’ve become more sensitive to the language I use and the stereotypes that come with them. I’ve studied those with bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, post traumatic stress disorder, attention deficit disorder, insomnia and more. 

Thank you Jesus for the years I’ve spent dedicated to learning. While I originally studied these things for the betterment of my own mental health, it has instead made me highly sensitive of others needs. The thing about disorders is they all are similar but the cause and effect of them are vastly different. 

While I’m still grasping being someone with autism, the reality is I have always been autistic. It’s something you are born with and cannot change no matter the medication. The only difference is I now have an answer to my decade long quest of how to cope with depression. I’m saying this to the reader, but mainly to myself. To remind myself I’m not weird or less than. Rather, this was something I was born with and praise God! There are many “disadvantages” of course, but I want to share some of the advantages:

I care deeply about others feelings

I pay attention to detail

I am honest, loyal, and smart

I am creative 

I am silly

I am made in the image of God!

I’ve learned a lot about terminology, things to say and things not to say. Autism is a spectrum. There is no high functioning or low functioning. I am autistic. Implying one over the other disregards the experience of the individual. I don’t show the “typical” signs of autism. Most women are masked autistics. Something I never knew existed until a week ago! 

There is nothing wrong with me. Every single person has their own battles to fight. Mine just happens to be autism and that’s okay. I’ve always struggled to have grace for myself. Learning about autism as it pertains to myself has made me emotional. Emotional over the way I have treated myself for most of my life. The lack of grace and hatred saddens me deeply. It has all led me to this place, I am loved more than I could ever imagine by the Creator of the universe. 

The Lord has drastically softened my heart this year, and will continue to do so as I continue learning more about God, myself, and others. Thank You Jesus for mental health professionals and doctors. Thank You Jesus for Your Word and Your truth. Book recommendations for autism:Unmasking Autism by Devon Price PhDAutism in Adults by Dr Luke BeardonThe Autistic Brain by Temple Grandin